Which wish is bigger than my fear?

A few days ago I was browsing through on of the boxes that I left in The Netherlands and I found a note that I wrote to myself a few years ago. Translated from Dutch it says: “Which wish is bigger than my fear?”. I totally forgot about it and it took me by surprise to see it again. Because I was actually living my wished life for the past months. I overcame my fear. I took the step.

Last summer I decided to follow my heart and combine a few dormant desires: quit my rent, get rid of loads of stuff and leave The Netherlands for a while. I decided to go to Ireland to do some voluntary projects for room and board. No idea what would follow and when I would be back. I ended up as a volunteer for 5 1/2 months in the beautiful, interesting and great Buddhist Retreat centre Dzogchen Beara.

Since a few days I’m back in The Netherlands. Just for a week or two, then I’ll go back to Ireland to do more voluntary work. For lots of people this probably doesn’t sound like a life you would (day)dream about. But it was for me.

Before I went away, one of the things I did for years in my then own company, was coaching people with their dreamed (work)life. In the sessions and also in personal conversations I had, a lot of the same questions came back:

What do you do?
What do you really want?
What is the worst thing you think could happen if you follow your heart?
What would you gain in your life if you would follow your heart?
What would you do if you would win the lottery?

Of course I asked these questions to myself as well and for years I answered: I want to go away for a while, be more offline and experience how I am without the things, people and habits that I’m used too.” That was my wish, my longing. And then there was the fear. And insecurities. Can I just go away? What if I don’t like it? Will I miss things after I get rid of them? How do I do that with money? How do I arrange all the practical hassle?

That stopped me from thinking seriously about it. And, as it goes with longings, last summer a few things didn’t work out for me and it all collapsed. And in that, everything came together and became clear: this was the moment. I am going to do it.

The interesting part for me was that the moment I made that decision, most of the fear and insecurities faded away. They were just not relevant anymore. It was all replaced by answers, excitement and a deep knowing that it would all work out. And that this was the best possible thing to do at that time. I never regretted it for even a second.

I also realize that fear is never a fixed state of mind. If you face it, it moves. You can try to hang on to it. Or explore and play with it. It’s up to you.

“Life doesn’t stay in place even for a moment.”
Gampopa

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