Tag Archives: dzogchen

I am stil processing

So I had a vivid dream last night. I was back at Dzogchen Beara, as a visitor.

Walked around. Greeted people which I knew. There were loads of people: some staffmembers, a couple of volunteers I worked with, a few guests that I met in my time there and even someone I know from the Netherlands. I was happy to see the cats that I knew and love, and surprised to even see some new cats. I felt at home right away again. And although I was only visiting, some guests asked me questions about where to go and how things worked.

As it goes in dreams (at least in my dreams), not all the people, buildings and things where an accurate representation of the real world. But when I woke up I realized that it actually felt like a real visit.

It feels weird to be there in my mind, but not in real life.

It feels weird that now it takes planning and money and time before I’m there, the place where I lived and worked and felt so at home for 1 1/2 years.

My time there was special, grounded, relaxed, stressed, mindblowing, fun, overwhelming, comfy, hilarious, educational, frustrating, connected, exhausting, energetic and intense. I love to learn, and this was a great place for it. I learned so much about myself, people, meditating, Buddhism, the world. So much learning, in a relatively short time, like a pressure cooker.

I have been back in the Netherlands almost as long as I was there. And I haven’t processed it all yet. Maybe I never will, who knows. I think writing will help, with unraveling it all. So that’s what I will do more. Write and unravel.

(Here for the first time and no idea what I’m talking about? Read about the start of my adventure here, or about ending that adventure there, or just browse through my earlier blogposts).

To live in a hostel dorm for 5 1/2 months

In a few days I will be leaving Dzogchen Beara, the place where I came in August to do voluntary work for two months. Instead I stayed for 5 1/2 months.

When I leave here, I can look back at staying in a hostel for 168 days. And sleeping 165 nights in the female dorm. In which I had the dorm for me alone for 2 nights. And the whole hostel to myself for 4 days and nights (that was around Christmas, when Dzogchen Beara was closed for guests and my only fellow-volunteer at that time went to her family in Ireland). During my stay here, there were 3 nights that I slept in on the cottages here, instead of the hostel (that was a few months ago, when my family came to visit me and here.)

If you would have told me before I planned to come here that I would sleep in a dorm for months, I’d probably have said to you that you were crazy. Because it sounded like a very unlikely thing for me to do. Since I’m quite sensitive, to light and sound and well, everything. And in need of my own space and alone-time every now and then.

But I made the decision to come here. And it went fine. It is a nice hostel to be. We’re in the middle of nowhere and there is no alcohol allowed here , so people don’t stumble in drunk in the middle of the night. And most people come here for some peace and quiet time and go to bed early.

And yes, there were moments that I couldn’t stand someone with a massive flashlight (or so it seemed in the dark dorm), a loud plastic bag, talking to me when I just woke up (I need some time before I get social) or snoring next to me. But most of the time I coped fine.

I meditate almost every day here and had the pleasure of participating in lot of retreats about meditation, Loving Kindness and compassion. This all makes it easier for me to annoy myself less, to let things and people be as they are. Without judgement. Without making a whole story in my head about it.

In a few days my adventure here is over. I will go to the Netherlands for a little while and then back to Ireland to do more voluntary work in different places. I hope, and presume, that I will take some of the meditation, insights, peace and Loving Kindness with me to the ‘outside’ world!

 

Do I miss things?

Living for more than 5 months in the dorm of the hostel of this Buddhist center, at the end of a cliff.

Yes, sometimes.

I would like to be alone. Or go to the cinema (the closest one is an hour drive away). Or use the internet where and when I want. Or eat on my own. Or write on my laptop (which I didn’t take with me). Or talk to a specific friend who is in the Netherlands. Or walk to a supermarket (the nearest one takes only a 15 minutes drive, but since I don’t have to care, I have to find a lift or hitchhike).

Sometimes i want things like that. But I realize by now that i want them for a little while and then the longing or wanting passes by. The daily guided mediation helps. The peaceful surroundings too.

It is quite liberating to be in this place in my life where not all of my needs or urges can be fulfilled right away. Or in a few days, weeks or months. 

Because everything passes. Longings come and go. It is very good to experience that. It feels more peaceful to me. And I feel that there is more time and attention for other things. Like having really good conversations, enjoy my food more, pet the cats for a long while, read books,  write, contemplate on life, look at the stars, be amazed by the passing clouds and the sun on the sea, enjoy the Robins that come so close here.

And hopefully I can bring that feeling with me when I leave here next week, and go back to the ‘other’ world.